Head: Not as beautiful as a weimaraner, nor as perfect as a labrador retriever, nor as adorable and hypo-allergenically fluffy as a cockapoo, the corgi face is reminiscent of your bawdy uncle who farts a lot and one time took all your allowance money in a game of poker, except then he left it for you under your pillow where you found it only after crying for hours over the loss of your hard-earned savings when he had to get out of town quick-like. Point being: A corgi is questionable, even if its heart is good, and a corgi would sell you down the river if it had to, smiling with cocked head and gleaming brown eyes. Unfortunately, you can’t hate the corgi, even when the corgi is scamming you hardcore.
Body: A corgi is not svelte. A corgi is not even, perhaps, in admirable shape. A corgi has a long, weird body, topped with that uncle-like head. Its chest puffs out, like a small man who’s worked out too aggressively on his pecs and forsaken his lower half. When a corgi is running, a corgi’s belly often hefts to and fro, ungainly. This is amusing, but is it cause for reverence, or corgi-worship? We think not. Further: A corgi’s low stature was to keep it from getting kicked by cows it herded, a metaphor with some deep Internet ramifications, we think—they performed their duties “by nipping at the heels.”
Legs: Oh, lord, this is where things get really messed up. The legs… Why are they so little, like tiny stumps, like the bound feet of women in a less empowered society, like something one could barely walk on, much less rely upon to break into a joyous, slobbery trot? Why are we promoting, even celebrating, the apparent deformities of these dogs!? This is a kind of fetishism! Internet, you are sick.
Read more. [Image: @benjysarlin]
Obviously, Jen Doll hates the Internet.